Surprised by grief

How do you grieve the death of someone who wanted to die? 

Paul writes that God works all things for the good of those “who are called according to purpose.” We must ask ourselves what our purpose is. ... When God works all things together, He works all things together for our “good;” that is, that we would become more like Jesus. 

-Turner Perkins

Make me more like you, Oh Lord.

On Friday, April 8, 2011, I was junior in college and getting ready to volunteer at a baseball game with the FSU Chapter of the NAACP. As the newly crowned Ms. NAACP, it was part of my duties to work the concession stands (where the organization gets part of the proceeds). I was dressed and about to get on the bus, when I got the call. 

They said my brother was in the hospital and that I needed to fly out of the Tallahassee airport ASAP to help him. I hadn’t spoken to my brother in a few days. He had been to see me at FSU twice in the year that I’d been there. He called me that morning and I didn’t answer and thought I would just call him back when I came home from volunteering. 

He was already dead. 

The hospital was a lie; my family’s way of trying to protect me. 

One gun-shot wound to the head. Later, a recording he left behind would reveal a tumultuous relationship with my nephew’s mom and his fears about what she would do to him.

I got off the bus and sat on the side of the road. A friend saw me, picked me up and took me home. I don’t even remember if we spoke about anything. 

That same day, another friend would drive me to Ocala where my now husband picked me up and drove me the rest of the way to Jacksonville. 

The rest is sort of a blur. I remember going to identify his body, writing his eulogy, driving to Office Depot early in the morning to print out the programs for the funeral, 2 weeks later. 

I returned to FSU that fall, and graduated the following winter. 

10 years later, I still wrestle with his death. 

Why did I have to go away to college? I could’ve stayed in town and been there for him and my nephew. 

Why didn’t I answer the phone that morning? I could’ve helped him. Or said something. Or have some last words from him to cherish. 

All these things I must give to the Lord. And truly trust that even this, as bitter as it is, He can use for His glory and my sanctification. 

*pictured: My brother's senior photo

Updated 4/13/23

I don’t know if you need to hear this right now. But even if you had answered the phone nothing would be different. 🧡 there is no alternate timeline in which you answer the phone and things turned out differently. I don’t know why, but the Lord ordained that this would happen. And I pray you’re able to be at peace with that and not have any regrets. He ordained you would miss the call as well. To do something good in you. For so many reasons we don’t even see or know. 

I love you 💕 

Compassionate and encouraging words from a dear friend around the 12 year anniversary of Arnold’s passing.